A parent's dilemma on the education system

  

A WhatsApp message in my daughter's school group suggested that the children discuss five distinctive characteristics of mammals for a class activity. Upon her return from school, I inquired about her knowledge of mammals. She mentioned traits like giving birth, producing milk, and having hair. Satisfied with her existing knowledge, I decided to focus on the other morphological aspects of mammals for our further discussion.

I explained to her about the presence of external ears in most mammals, citing examples of animals with and without ears, and categorising those without ears into their respective groups. We delved into exceptions. Upon her curiosity, we even discussed the internal, middle, and external ear of humans using a diagram that I learned only during my graduation. The following day, I asked her if she had discussed the external ear, but she shared that her teacher contradicted her information, stating that all mammals have a backbone.

This discrepancy left my daughter perplexed, as we had spent considerable time discussing and resolving her queries. Additionally, she was familiar with the vertebral column in fish, which she encounters daily.

As a child, she wanted to trust her teacher more than her mother, leaving me unsure of how to address the situation. While I understand that primary school teachers may not be zoologists, I find it disconcerting that the curriculum lacks expert verification. The discrepancy in the EVS (Environmental Studies) book, stating a backbone as a unique feature of mammals, added to my surprise.

Such incidents take me back to my school days, recalling an instance where a teacher's incorrect instruction left me feeling miserable. I now realise the profound impact teachers can have on children's lives. Reflecting on my own experience in the 5th or 6th grade, when we had this new thing called computer in our school. The computer lab was the only place that had AC and we had to keep our shoes outside the room. It was a fancy thing back then. In one of the computer classes, our teacher said lets check who all are intelligent students in this batch. We all had to complete a 20 multiple choice questionnaire to see which side of the brain is more active. The teacher said that students with left side active brain are intelligent and can opt for science and students with right side active brain can opt for humanities. So the entire class discussed the percentage towards left and comparing results. My result of the test was exactly in the centre and the whole class made fun of me as “good for nothing”. I felt terrible that day. Today I know the test was not about determining science or humanities as future subjects but rather about logical and creative thinking and today I also know that the test result was absolutely correct. I indeed had a very balanced brain that helped me to pursue science with creativity. I could create diagrams (visuals) by reading the text, my collage teachers used to ask me about the reference of my drawings and used to keep my answer sheets as no textbook had those drawings. Today, when I am learning music that needs the creative side of the brain, I apply my understanding of science i.e. logical thinking.

Me and my daughter discuss a lot about evolution without using terminologies but she understands how life originated and is evolving. The classification plays an important role in understanding evolution. For me, until 12th grade, it was just a 2 marks chapter in textbook that you just memorise without understanding. I had a wonderful teacher in college whose stories (theories presented in super engaging form) of evolution have motivated me to learn more. I wanted my child to experience the same from the beginning. 

Doesn’t our education system need reform that recognises the need to nurture individual strengths rather than subjecting students to misleading assessments that can undermine their self-worth? 

Some conversations with my child

I visited World Book Fair, hosted at Pragati Maidan, New Delhi about two weeks ago with my 7 year old. They had an amazing kids’ section with a variety of books on friction, science, history craft, music etc. My daughter was jumping and dancing with excitement, running from one counter to another. In one such stall, she was stopped to introduce to a book on Indian Gods and Goddesses. The staff there read the first page of the book for her and then turned towards me. He was very proud of the content of the book and was claiming it to be the best thing a child could get. I politely refused because if she believes in the existence of God, she will definitely believe in the existence of devils too for which I don’t think she is ready right now. 

This triggered me to write about some of the conversations that we (mother and daughter) have at home about religion, surnames etc. I am not sure how to tackle these, she is influenced by many things/beliefs in her surroundings. I would love to know if your child asks similar questions and how you deal with them. 

 

Watering the sun

One evening while returning from school cum daycare, she said, “Mumma, once I become an astronaut, I can go to the sun to give water”. She, for the last one and a half years, is saying that she wants to become an astronaut and a dancer. We had this conservation about her life goals earlier where she was confused to choose between one of two and I told her that if she plans well, she can be both. So I was aware that she wants to be an astronaut and the possible reasons I thought were the books she reads and movies she watches. I was surprised to hear that she wants to go to the sun to water it. I asked her why she wants to go and water the sun and if she knows that nobody has yet reached the sun because it is too hot. She replied, “because, everyone, in the morning, should water the sun, we can then have our wishes fulfilled.” I asked her what is her wish that she wants the sun to fulfil and did she had ever seen me watering the sun. I also asked her if she think the sun needs water or not. We really had a fun conversation. 

 

Family

There have been several occasions when my daughter asks me why I am not called “Snigdha Ghosh”. Once she said the same in front of my husband to which he immediately clarified that he is not the one prompting her to ask this. I didn’t need his clarification for sure 😊. She somehow thinks that a family is one that shares a common surname. My husband and our daughter use “Ghosh” as surname and I use my parental surname. We intentionally didn’t add both our surnames for our child and agreed that she will use her father’s surname. At the same time, I have always insisted on using just the first name while introducing ourselves, be it verbal or written. I have raised objections in front of her when someone says that one should always use full name. I have explained to her why I am Snigdha Kar and not Snigdha Ghosh, that I am daughter of my parents too, they are also my family and marrying and coming to Ghosh family doesn’t separate me from Kar family thus my name is Snigdha Kar. A family is not identified with surnames they use but with the bond of love that is there for each other. A family could be anything, not just father, mother, you and your siblings, it can be more, it can be less…love is what makes a family. 

 

What’s my religion?

I was quite shocked when she directly asked me what’s her religion. I was definitely not prepared for this and I didn’t get any context from her as well. My spontaneous reply to her was that she is born into a Hindu family but what religion she belongs to is something that she needs to identify as she grows. I told her that I am also born into a Hindu family, but I don’t follow the religion as such. I visit temples, mosques, churches and gurudwara, I sometimes do Buddhism chanting and she is aware about this. I also told her that as I have matured, I have decided to say mankind as my religion and nature as my god. She needs to grow up a bit more to understand and decide for herself and I don’t know what comes next in this series of questions. At home, we do not have any holy book or god’s idol. The sacred part of our home is our music corner. Respecting the instruments, books as well as food one eats is a must in our home. I love her compassion towards the small insects in our house. 😊

 

How can one be prepared for such questions!!!

"Would you say you are more of an environmentalist or an artist?”

I frequently heard this question wherever I go, be it at work, at my music class or at a family gathering. Everyone is keener to know the other “ME”.

For many years, my response to this has been, “an environmentalist”, not because it was necessarily true, but because I sensed it would win me more respect. As an undergraduate student, music had been my therapy, my cathartic release. But in this competitive world, I wanted to be seen as just as dedicated to my work as those around me, who appeared completely undistracted by unprofessional pursuits. So, I left my music by the wayside—but it wasn’t long before I felt a massive void in my life.

After working for more than 15 years as an environmental educator and communicator, the pandemic gave me an opportunity to think and reflect. Academically, I am a zoologist and I loved doing research. As a student, I was often told I excelled at it. And I think, that was the point where I started giving up on my passion for music. Humming a Bollywood song in bathroom was the only thing I never gave up. So, during the covid lockdown, I started learning Hindustani Classical music. The daily practice (riyaaz) is meditation for me, I feel blessed, I am calm, more focused and more organised at work and at home. And I must say, the joy of getting Sa (first music note) right as soon as you play the tanpura is out of the world.

I am lucky to be working with an organisation who are serious about the health and well-being of its employees. Since music has been my drug to happiness during the tough covid time, I thought of starting a music club at my workplace. A couple of colleagues came together and proposed this idea and it was approved in no time. We started calling ourselves "Soz Souls" and today we are a group of 60 people interested in vocal and instrumental music, both Indian and Western. 

We have theme based musical gathering once every month where people interested in music can come and participate. With a bit of hesitation about my ability to sing, I started performing in these monthly events without this feeling that I had anything to hide. My lunch time, and travel time conversation with colleagues of our cluster has changed after knowing that they are also interested in music. We now discuss raag music, western music, instrumental music etc. during our free time. Chatting with the other colleagues, I have realised many shared my concern that peers might interpret a passion for art as a lack of professionalism or, at the very least, a distraction. But over the course of these evening events, I found myself at peace with the two halves of my identity.

Since then, I have continued to embrace all of myself. While completing writing/designing tasks for GIZ, I sometimes hum lines of a song I heard on the way to office. Whenever time permits, I started participating in other health initiatives such as birding group meetings, soul food and 15 minutes activity break from my office desk.

The happy "me" is more productive at work and some peers have seen the value of this outside interest; others have been sceptical too. But when I have my own doubts, I think of many roles that we anyway play in our daily life, balancing professional and personal lives and I feel confident that having a passion for environment as well as music is possible.

So, yesterday when a colleague asked me the same question, I very proudly said, “Both.” 

What we are born with?

Do you see dead bird bodies sometimes on the road or in a park? A bird that died due to predator attack or illness or any other factor. We as adults conveniently ignore this right? But I remember, as a child, whenever we (myself and group of friends) saw a dead bird in our locality, we use to dig a hole on the ground and burry the bird.

No, this post is not about birds…

This is actually about what we learn as child. We, at age of 7-8 years already knew that the dead bodies must be burned or buried, otherwise the soul wander around, it doesn’t get peace even after death.

Yes, our action back then shows compassion toward that poor bird but looking back I am wondering why it was so important for a very young child to know that there is peace after death and one can get that if their dead bodies are burned or buried with respect, performing all rituals for religion they believe and for society. And then, there is concept of heaven and hell. Donating seems to be greatest virtue of an individual, a gate pass to the heaven. 

Our societal rituals also consider Kanya daan (donating your daughter to her husband during marriage ceremony) as the maha daan (greatest donation). This simple indicated that a female child is nothing but a property that father can donate. Here also, mother do not have the right to do Kanya daan.

We grow learning these but what is that we are born with?

I am born with brain (Central Nervous System), heart (Circulatory System) and eight other integrated systems that practically runs my body. This is all that I own. I do not own my female child, I just gave birth to her. She is an individual with her own body, mind and soul…

I feel the only thing I can donate is myself because that is what I was born with, all other things, are accumulate from this world, they are not mine. The blood in my veins can only live for approximately 120 days, it doesn’t stay there for lifetime. And when I donate blood, I am getting it replenish within 24 hours.  Blood is something that you own, donating it will make you happy and could save four lives.

I have taught my 6 year old daughter that when I die, my body goes to a hospital. My husband knows that no last rituals are to be done for me, I don’t want him to skip non-vegetarian food for 13 days just because I died. With the hope that I might help others to continue living, all my vital organs which can be transplant will go to the needed and rest of body is for medical students for practical demonstration. I don’t need any last ritual, and I sincerely hope my family remember this as my last wish.  

Wax and wane in my short music learning journey…

I love getting drenched in the rain. My daughter and I danced in every rain during last year monsoon, lockdown gave us amazing opportunity of togetherness. This brings back memories of my childhood and a wonderful song “Ab ke sawan, aise barse…” that became the monsoon anthem for my generation. The song awesome lyrics, amazing composition and very powerful voice that refreshes my mind and soul. This was when I got to know about Padma Shri Shubha Mudgal ji, a renowned Hindustani Classical Vocalist. Back then, Shubha ji had no idea that this pop song with rock-like composition would make history and I had no idea that I would find myself learning classical music.

So when Shubha ji debut book “Looking for Miss Sargam – Stories of music and misadventures” was released, I had to get hold of this book and read it. So, this weekend was well invested in reading this book and I can guarantee, if you love music and reading, you will also read the complete book in one go. Although set as frictional stories, I strongly feel that these are somewhere close to the realities of the musicians of our country. I wished the story to continue until Saxena Sir get justice, I cried with Asavari Tai and also enjoyed reading the stage flight between Sikandar Sufi and Hayaat Ali.

The book opened up unseen areas of our music industry. As the name suggests – Stories of music and misadventures, this book – first of its kind perhaps, showcases the life of Indian musicians along with their struggles, challenges, hidden desires, etc. Get a copy for yourself and enjoy reading funny yet emotional set of short stories.

After reading about the life of popular musicians, I was wondering if there is any book on the challenges of a new learner of music. I am not talking about biographies of the most recognised musician but perhaps someone who is keen on learning any classical performing art. This book and followed-up though actually motivated me to share with you the challenges that I have faced in my little less than a year journey of learning music. I do not have the ability to write well but you may find my learning journey like yours at some point maybe…

As I just mentioned, it has been just a year that I have started learning Hindustani classical music. My first struggle was to make riyaaz (practice) my daily habit. I knew before enrolling that I need to practice well on daily basis otherwise, I won’t be able to learn. I needed to train my ears to listen and my vocals to sync with the swar (a musical note). I used to give excuses to myself that I will practice when I have good enough time for it, or when I need a desperate break from work, and so on… I soon realised that this is not working, and I need to dedicate a time slot for riyaaz. This must be fixed and unchangeable irrespective of anything, so I must choose a time that fits best with my schedule. I fixed early morning time for this before the day’s chaos begins. I am a morning person, getting up early is not a big deal for me. I managed to make riyaaz, part of my daily schedule, but then I felt so sleepy... Waking up early never created any problem for me. It was not that I had insomnia and I was unable to wake up fresh. I was clueless why I felt so drowsy… the aakars (swar in sound of Aa) were always mixed up with the sound of my yawn…maybe an evening time would work better. A reminder was set on my phone, after my possible extended working hours and I hoped that this would work but alas…I kept finding it difficult to stop yawning but I had to keep it going…I couldn’t stop…I had to practice otherwise what’s the point of learning theoretically…

I don’t really remember when this drowsiness while practicing faded away, but I can’t explain in words what that feeling was and how my swaras mixed with yawn sounded…well that was perhaps a phase in life of a beginner learner…

With regular riyaaz, I was improving on my swar placement in right pitch. The tempo continued to give me trouble perhaps demanding more time for practice but as I progressed with the courses there was an improvement but now, another issue busted on me. I was not really enjoying singing. I was trying to sing the bandish in right pitch and tempo that was perhaps sounding okay to my teacher but to me, it was very mechanical. I soon realised that I am singing the same bandish in Raag Bhupali for months now. Classical music can be very boring for a new learner, obviously, I knew this as well before joining the course. And that some people spend their lifetime in learning same raag but I don’t aspire to be a singer anyway. Is it not working for me? Should I quit? I enjoy listening to old/ semi-classical Bollywood music, but I have never ever listened to a full classical composition, I didn’t know the difference between alaap and taan before joining the course. It was Covid lockdown time when Shankar Mahadevan Sir started mini masterclass on Instagram and suggested that learning classical music helps in overall understanding of a song. And I had to agree to this because even after learning hobby singing for almost 7 years, I haven’t witnessed any improvement in my light music singing ability whereas after enrolling for a classical music course, my perspective towards music has significantly changed so I had to continue and I had to do something to overcome this boredom.

I will tell you how I managed to break the monotony and kept myself motivated in a while because at this point it would be worthwhile to share little desires that I had develop over time. Unhappiness is best described as the difference between our talent and our expectations. I am usually a happy person because I know my limitations and don’t expect anything beyond that, but short-term desire do pop up. Like most classical vocalists, I wanted to purchase a physical tanpura and get a picture click with it. I already own a harmonium that I don’t use anymore. I was told to stop depending on harmonium support for my vocals. I was pretty sure that I won’t use the tanpura either (electronic tanpura is easy and handy) but how does that matter, people spend a lot of money for buying a chandelier, it’s not a requirement like bed and sofa rather a decorative piece in one home so if I wish to decorate my home with musical instruments that should be fine right? So, the desire was basically to showcase my passion for music by getting a picture click with tanpura and having some musical instruments at home.

I strongly feel that it was my training in classical music that gave me the wisdom to convert desires to pathway to achieve dreams. I have started listening to classical music concerts online, reading a lot about theory of music, watching eminent people’s interviews etc. I participated in Praat Swarsadhana workshop with Anuradha Kuber Tai and this was a game-changer. I was regular with my morning riyaaz but this workshop actually made me realise what to do, what not to do, how to know you have reached your limit, how to slowly expand your limit etc. Music is not just about the ability to sing...it's much beyond that (much beyond what words can explain). After changing my perspective towards music, it was time to change my lifestyle. I gave up on occasional consumption of nicotine and alcohol, started adopted a healthy eating habit, taking care of my throat. The money that I would have spent on tanpura was invested for buying a guitar so that I learn something new to overcome the boredom of singing same bandish. At this point, I was pretty sure that I will be able to manage to practice for both vocal and instrument because my life is more discipline now. When I submerge myself into riyaaz, I emerge out as a stronger and happier person. This is indeed magical.

After all these ups and downs, I am still struggling to accept my voice. I don’t like to hear what I am singing. To me, my voice is not mechanical as I felt earlier, but it is still unpleasable. I have learned a beautiful Kajri for Sangam 2021 (the virtual annual fest of Shankar Mahadevan Academy). I actually love the composition that describes nature, love, friendship etc. Nevertheless, for this Kajri also, I didn’t find my voice useful for singing.

The basic thing for learning any performing art is obviously the ability to perform. Music has always been a stressbuster for me but to perform with voice I don’t like is tough. The motivation to participate in Sangam was to learn something new other than course material. If I have enrolled for Sangam, I must perform. I had made up my mind to send a wonderful recording in which everything except my voice will be perfect. The backdrop with proper lighting, the saree with minimal jewellery was selected but unfortunately, I was hospitalised when I needed to record the video. Since I had no confidence in my voice, I was okay if my video is rejected for final compilation but inability to send video at my end was bothering me. Well, I decided to try to record this in the hospital itself without a decent backdrop and saree but with just my voice. I managed to do just one recording and in that three and a half minutes, my voice crossed door of my room and reached to the ears of hospital staff. Three people came back – two housekeeping staff and a nurse to appreciate my voice. I was very happy that day.

I am still not very comfortable in listening to my own voice but I have understood that I need to accept the natural tone of my voice as riyaaz can only improve the quality (pitch, tempo etc.) but the natural texture will remain and should remain same – that makes me unique.

Growing and learning in challenging times…

I still remember the day when I took my 6 month old daughter for a regular check-up at doctor’s clinic and the doctor suggested going for an MRI scan as her head circumference was little below the average number and I changed her doctor. I didn’t want my child to be exposed to (safe) magnetic radiation that is actually not safe for pregnant women as you see in posters outside any clinic.

You must be thinking why I did so?

As I was on maternity leaves, I have spent these six months with her. She somehow developed the habit of sucking her thumb. Once, while playing with a torch light, I removed her thumb from the mouth and simultaneously switched on the torch light, as soon as she put her thumb back into her mouth, I switched off the light…pulled her thumb out and switch on the light…and this continued for few rounds. Afterward, when she put her thumb inside the mouth, the light went off and when she removed her thumb out and I switched on the light, and when she again put it inside the mouth, the light was off. She very spontaneously linked the switching “on and off” of the torch light with her putting her thumb “in and out”. This child definitely doesn’t need an MRI scan just because her head circumference was a little below the average number.

Let me talk about another number called Intelligence Quotient or IQ. It is the number to measure human intelligence, but do you know the test for IQ is a combination of verbal, numerical, logical and spatial reasoning. I still don’t understand the purpose of testing IQ but now a days I see a lot of attention on another factor called Emotional Quotient or Emotional Intelligence i.e. capability of individuals to recognise their own emotions and those of others, discern between different feelings, and label them appropriately, and manage and/or adjust emotions to adapt to environments or achieve one's goal(s).

We often link academic performance with intelligence which certainly is not true in the same way the measurement of head circumference was not linked to the brain functioning of my daughter. 

My daughter is soon to be five years old – a happy and healthy child, who can do many of her daily tasks independently. Further she can express her feeling and have the courage to ask difficult questions like “mumma do you love daddy? I saw you both fighting the other day.” So, I believe her IQ/EQ numbers are good. 

We often like to measure everything with numbers, above/below average; high/low; good/bad, etc. But life and happiness are certainly beyond these numbers. 

Learning is not something that happens only in school or college, it's rather a life long process.

We are currently going through a tough time due to Covid 19. Home schooling and online class will continue to be part of our life for quite sometime. We were forced to jump into the system of e-learning but after being there for more than six months, its time that we evaluate how beneficial or harmful it can be for our children. I can only talk about my soon to be 5 year old daughter who is studying in Kinder Garden.

Soon after the government announced closure of schools, she had to start with online schooling every alternate day. It was indeed super tough for her as just few days ago her teacher was Simram mam (for class Nursery) and now we told her that Shweta mam is her teacher. How can we explain promotion to next class to a child who is not going to school (the lockdown started in March – bad timing for kids).

It certainly took a long to accept Shweta mam as her teacher, as there is absolutely no teacher-student interaction. And no one to blame here as teachers were also forced to start online classes without any formal training. And it was now the time for summer vacation. Well, it was a relief for both of us but the learning continued. We did lots of things including learning numbers and shapes by making this animated movie.

The school reopened after summer break, now they have 50 mins classes everyday and they have to wear school uniform too. But I was happy as teachers were now comfortable using online medium. Moreover, the new time table has music, dance, art classes also. Soon, the MHRD announced that the duration of the class is to be restricted to 30 mins for pre-primary and the first thing to be removed from the new time table was the extra-curricular activities.

Now, the focus is on learning numbers, words, making verbal sentences in English. Is it realistic for a 4-5 year old child to pay attention to an online class in which all of a sudden, someone starts presenting their screen and my child is lost, where parents are arguing with the teacher, where at times, due to connectivity issue there is a lag of good 15-20 seconds. Further, neither the teachers nor most of the parents acknowledge that burden the little child has on his/her shoulders.

My daughter, at times, feels bad because of her inability to answer correctly. She only tells me that other children know the answer and she doesn’t. I, myself, have never compared her with other students but despite all the issues of an online class, she is intelligent enough to understand what the teacher is hinting her at. Almost, once every week, I tell the teacher the correct pronunciation of my daughter’s name. For me, her name is her identity and I want her to be associated with it. The school is only one formal place where her official name is used. When the teacher, after several reminders could not pronounce her name correctly, it is correct for her to expect my child to be fluent in everything? Not to forget the way she was rejected to perform for a school event and the emotional impact it had on my child and myself.

If you are going through a tough time due to Covid 19 in which you are expected to perform well professionally and at the same time you have to take care of your home, children and other family members. The situation is same with your child too, they are expected to perform well in their respective classes, they are expected to behave in certain manner at home and often they are unable to express their feeling.

Learning is not about scoring marks in school. The ability to deal with the situation is also important and this is the time for you to make your child understand this, that the purpose of this pandemic.

Take care and talk with your children. 

Seeking answer… from where do we learn to hide our emotions and feelings?

On an average, people say 4 lies in a day, “I am fine” is the most common one.

In the current corona situation, how are you? is really an important question. People are feeling unwell due to limited body movement, sleepless nights are another common situation among a lot of us and we are aware of the mental challenges this situation has brought…

So when someone genuinely asks me how I am, I often tell them my tiniest physical problems be it neck ace or stomach upset because firstly, I want to avoid the most common lie and secondly I wish to be mentally strong and fit and this part certainly lies in my hand. One must make a conscious effort to be mentally relaxed.  Well, that’s me. I am writing this today because I want to understand from where we learn to hide our emotions and feeling (if anyone reading this can help me).

My daughter will turn 5 in mid of November. She is a happy child who loves to act, sing, dance, paint, turning pages of storybooks. She always finds some activity to keep herself engaged and this too to limited toys and other things available to her. She enjoys her online classes offered by the school and she does this independently too. I just need to set up her table with all things required for the class. Though I am not a very proactive mom, but somehow, my daughter was selected for a live event of her school. She has to recite a poem for the same. My daughter herself told me that she will do regular practice as I do for my music class. She did too but somehow, the teacher was not impressed with her and she told me that she is giving this poem to some other child. My daughter was super upset, but she said its okay. I could see a tiny tear inside her eyes, but it didn’t fall out. Why??? I asked her to tell mumma but she refused and started her daily rituals as nothing has happened. I reminded her that she is performing on stage since she was just one. I showed her videos of her performances so that she feels better. I called my sisters and made her talk to them. She did some more nautanki (she loves to act) and left my working room. After some time, I went to her room and found her lying on the bed quietly. I hugged her again and now she told me that she did rehearse well, and I already knew it. I did whatever I could to clam her, to tell her that she is the best child any parent can have, and I often tell her this. I understand children can’t tell that they had a bad day and they want to talk, we need to understand them, the reason behind their behaviour and act accordingly.

What is bothering me is…

1. Why she had to hide her feeling? Am I giving this message that her mother is a strong woman in my behaviour towards her and others? But she has actually seen me crying out loud.
2. What if it was not work and school from home situation? Would I be able to see her sadness after a tiring working day? In a normal situation, I might have just ignored this.
3. From where do we learn to hide our feelings and emotions be it, child or adult? I remember I had to learn to notice my feelings to overcome the stress I was going through in past.

I will be grateful if someone can help me understand this. I still can’t forget that tiny tear inside my child’s eye that didn’t fall off and the opposite smile in her face.