Failures are important milestones

Today, I am typing this directly on my blog. What prompted me to write about failure are the following incidents;

1. Yesterday, my daughter expressed reluctance to attend her tennis class because none of her friends were going; they were all preoccupied with preparing for their final examinations.
2. This morning, a message in the parents' WhatsApp group caught my attention.

As you can see from the image above, my daughter is studying in class 2. Is it sensible to subject them to such stress at such tender ages? We have a more or less fixed routine, which might change for holidays, festivals, or family events, but preparing for examinations is part of our daily routine. We practice what we learn every day. Does it seem silly to you?

After the mid-term evaluation PTM (parents-teachers meeting), my daughter asked me about her academic performance. I shared her progress honestly, acknowledging areas of improvement and slight declines. I told her that she has improved in Hindi and there is a slight decline in her performance in Maths. Science and English are the same, and overall, she did well. However, she only seemed to remember her performance in Hindi and Mathematics and reported the same to her dad. I was there during this father-daughter conversation, and I explained to her that moving from an A to a B+ is not bad. It can happen to anybody, and it will happen again. The important thing is to know where you stand and what you need to do about it. What I wish to convey through this example is that children also understand their academic performance, results, successes, and failures. It is important that they grasp the significance of these aspects. This can only happen if they are allowed to think and decide for themselves. If we continue to subject them to pressure, they will learn and perform for their parents, not for themselves.

Moreover, a 100% success rate is another disadvantage.

Let me share another example to explain this: My daughter won second place in a singing competition, and everyone around praised her performance. As a parent, I was also happy and shared this on social media. However, she was unaware of the compliments received on social media; she only knew about the compliments from the judges, other parents, and our relatives and friends. She is known for her singing abilities, and we have really worked hard for this performance.

But after winning this competition, she was on cloud nine, filled with pride that was so evident in her attitude. No matter how hard I tried to explain that it’s the hard work that matters, not the trophy, she remained overwhelmed with this victory. She needed to understand that her competition is with herself, and the aim is to be better than her past self. For this, I felt she needed to taste failure because this will happen eventually. Thankfully, she understood this very soon, as I participated in a singing competition a few weeks later and received the same compliments without winning or scoring any position. She was grounded without tasting failure but with the understanding that winning or losing doesn't matter, what matters is how well you prepare yourself and present with confidence.

Regarding the second matter, a message surfaced on the parents' WhatsApp group, originating from a fellow parent who is a native Hindi speaker. Despite my daughter's proficiency in Hindi, both written and verbal, she often expresses a preference for English and Science, citing Hindi as challenging due to the complexities of "bari matra" and "choti matra." I asked her why she found these matras confusing as she excels in dictations. Her response was illuminating: "Everyone says it's difficult." This sentiment was echoed in the morning message from the group. The pride we feel when our children can fluently converse in English is not the same as when they can recite a poem in Hindi. I often wonder why.

Interestingly, my daughter wasn't even aware of my proficiency in English until the COVID lockdown necessitated my participation in online meetings from home. In our household, we predominantly converse in Bengali, and I make a concerted effort to speak Hindi without interjecting English words into our daily exchanges. To her, I emphasised on beauty of Hindi language, highlighting its role in classical compositions (all bandish that she learns is in Hindi), and there is a wealth of captivating stories exclusively available in Hindi literature. 

Children absorb things from their surroundings; they learn much faster than we can think. Allowing them the freedom to explore and experience both success and failure is essential. Both achievements and setbacks serve as crucial markers in their learning journey. Creating an environment that fosters acceptance of both outcomes with a smile is vital. 

These reflections are deeply personal, and I invite fellow parents to share their perspectives and experiences on this journey of nurturing resilient and self-aware individuals. Let's learn from one another's insights and collectively empower our children to embrace the richness of both success and failure.

A parent's dilemma on the education system

  

A WhatsApp message in my daughter's school group suggested that the children discuss five distinctive characteristics of mammals for a class activity. Upon her return from school, I inquired about her knowledge of mammals. She mentioned traits like giving birth, producing milk, and having hair. Satisfied with her existing knowledge, I decided to focus on the other morphological aspects of mammals for our further discussion.

I explained to her about the presence of external ears in most mammals, citing examples of animals with and without ears, and categorising those without ears into their respective groups. We delved into exceptions. Upon her curiosity, we even discussed the internal, middle, and external ear of humans using a diagram that I learned only during my graduation. The following day, I asked her if she had discussed the external ear, but she shared that her teacher contradicted her information, stating that all mammals have a backbone.

This discrepancy left my daughter perplexed, as we had spent considerable time discussing and resolving her queries. Additionally, she was familiar with the vertebral column in fish, which she encounters daily.

As a child, she wanted to trust her teacher more than her mother, leaving me unsure of how to address the situation. While I understand that primary school teachers may not be zoologists, I find it disconcerting that the curriculum lacks expert verification. The discrepancy in the EVS (Environmental Studies) book, stating a backbone as a unique feature of mammals, added to my surprise.

Such incidents take me back to my school days, recalling an instance where a teacher's incorrect instruction left me feeling miserable. I now realise the profound impact teachers can have on children's lives. Reflecting on my own experience in the 5th or 6th grade, when we had this new thing called computer in our school. The computer lab was the only place that had AC and we had to keep our shoes outside the room. It was a fancy thing back then. In one of the computer classes, our teacher said lets check who all are intelligent students in this batch. We all had to complete a 20 multiple choice questionnaire to see which side of the brain is more active. The teacher said that students with left side active brain are intelligent and can opt for science and students with right side active brain can opt for humanities. So the entire class discussed the percentage towards left and comparing results. My result of the test was exactly in the centre and the whole class made fun of me as “good for nothing”. I felt terrible that day. Today I know the test was not about determining science or humanities as future subjects but rather about logical and creative thinking and today I also know that the test result was absolutely correct. I indeed had a very balanced brain that helped me to pursue science with creativity. I could create diagrams (visuals) by reading the text, my collage teachers used to ask me about the reference of my drawings and used to keep my answer sheets as no textbook had those drawings. Today, when I am learning music that needs the creative side of the brain, I apply my understanding of science i.e. logical thinking.

Me and my daughter discuss a lot about evolution without using terminologies but she understands how life originated and is evolving. The classification plays an important role in understanding evolution. For me, until 12th grade, it was just a 2 marks chapter in textbook that you just memorise without understanding. I had a wonderful teacher in college whose stories (theories presented in super engaging form) of evolution have motivated me to learn more. I wanted my child to experience the same from the beginning. 

Doesn’t our education system need reform that recognises the need to nurture individual strengths rather than subjecting students to misleading assessments that can undermine their self-worth? 

Some conversations with my child

I visited World Book Fair, hosted at Pragati Maidan, New Delhi about two weeks ago with my 7 year old. They had an amazing kids’ section with a variety of books on friction, science, history craft, music etc. My daughter was jumping and dancing with excitement, running from one counter to another. In one such stall, she was stopped to introduce to a book on Indian Gods and Goddesses. The staff there read the first page of the book for her and then turned towards me. He was very proud of the content of the book and was claiming it to be the best thing a child could get. I politely refused because if she believes in the existence of God, she will definitely believe in the existence of devils too for which I don’t think she is ready right now. 

This triggered me to write about some of the conversations that we (mother and daughter) have at home about religion, surnames etc. I am not sure how to tackle these, she is influenced by many things/beliefs in her surroundings. I would love to know if your child asks similar questions and how you deal with them. 

 

Watering the sun

One evening while returning from school cum daycare, she said, “Mumma, once I become an astronaut, I can go to the sun to give water”. She, for the last one and a half years, is saying that she wants to become an astronaut and a dancer. We had this conservation about her life goals earlier where she was confused to choose between one of two and I told her that if she plans well, she can be both. So I was aware that she wants to be an astronaut and the possible reasons I thought were the books she reads and movies she watches. I was surprised to hear that she wants to go to the sun to water it. I asked her why she wants to go and water the sun and if she knows that nobody has yet reached the sun because it is too hot. She replied, “because, everyone, in the morning, should water the sun, we can then have our wishes fulfilled.” I asked her what is her wish that she wants the sun to fulfil and did she had ever seen me watering the sun. I also asked her if she think the sun needs water or not. We really had a fun conversation. 

 

Family

There have been several occasions when my daughter asks me why I am not called “Snigdha Ghosh”. Once she said the same in front of my husband to which he immediately clarified that he is not the one prompting her to ask this. I didn’t need his clarification for sure 😊. She somehow thinks that a family is one that shares a common surname. My husband and our daughter use “Ghosh” as surname and I use my parental surname. We intentionally didn’t add both our surnames for our child and agreed that she will use her father’s surname. At the same time, I have always insisted on using just the first name while introducing ourselves, be it verbal or written. I have raised objections in front of her when someone says that one should always use full name. I have explained to her why I am Snigdha Kar and not Snigdha Ghosh, that I am daughter of my parents too, they are also my family and marrying and coming to Ghosh family doesn’t separate me from Kar family thus my name is Snigdha Kar. A family is not identified with surnames they use but with the bond of love that is there for each other. A family could be anything, not just father, mother, you and your siblings, it can be more, it can be less…love is what makes a family. 

 

What’s my religion?

I was quite shocked when she directly asked me what’s her religion. I was definitely not prepared for this and I didn’t get any context from her as well. My spontaneous reply to her was that she is born into a Hindu family but what religion she belongs to is something that she needs to identify as she grows. I told her that I am also born into a Hindu family, but I don’t follow the religion as such. I visit temples, mosques, churches and gurudwara, I sometimes do Buddhism chanting and she is aware about this. I also told her that as I have matured, I have decided to say mankind as my religion and nature as my god. She needs to grow up a bit more to understand and decide for herself and I don’t know what comes next in this series of questions. At home, we do not have any holy book or god’s idol. The sacred part of our home is our music corner. Respecting the instruments, books as well as food one eats is a must in our home. I love her compassion towards the small insects in our house. 😊

 

How can one be prepared for such questions!!!

Growing and learning in challenging times…

I still remember the day when I took my 6 month old daughter for a regular check-up at doctor’s clinic and the doctor suggested going for an MRI scan as her head circumference was little below the average number and I changed her doctor. I didn’t want my child to be exposed to (safe) magnetic radiation that is actually not safe for pregnant women as you see in posters outside any clinic.

You must be thinking why I did so?

As I was on maternity leaves, I have spent these six months with her. She somehow developed the habit of sucking her thumb. Once, while playing with a torch light, I removed her thumb from the mouth and simultaneously switched on the torch light, as soon as she put her thumb back into her mouth, I switched off the light…pulled her thumb out and switch on the light…and this continued for few rounds. Afterward, when she put her thumb inside the mouth, the light went off and when she removed her thumb out and I switched on the light, and when she again put it inside the mouth, the light was off. She very spontaneously linked the switching “on and off” of the torch light with her putting her thumb “in and out”. This child definitely doesn’t need an MRI scan just because her head circumference was a little below the average number.

Let me talk about another number called Intelligence Quotient or IQ. It is the number to measure human intelligence, but do you know the test for IQ is a combination of verbal, numerical, logical and spatial reasoning. I still don’t understand the purpose of testing IQ but now a days I see a lot of attention on another factor called Emotional Quotient or Emotional Intelligence i.e. capability of individuals to recognise their own emotions and those of others, discern between different feelings, and label them appropriately, and manage and/or adjust emotions to adapt to environments or achieve one's goal(s).

We often link academic performance with intelligence which certainly is not true in the same way the measurement of head circumference was not linked to the brain functioning of my daughter. 

My daughter is soon to be five years old – a happy and healthy child, who can do many of her daily tasks independently. Further she can express her feeling and have the courage to ask difficult questions like “mumma do you love daddy? I saw you both fighting the other day.” So, I believe her IQ/EQ numbers are good. 

We often like to measure everything with numbers, above/below average; high/low; good/bad, etc. But life and happiness are certainly beyond these numbers. 

Learning is not something that happens only in school or college, it's rather a life long process.

We are currently going through a tough time due to Covid 19. Home schooling and online class will continue to be part of our life for quite sometime. We were forced to jump into the system of e-learning but after being there for more than six months, its time that we evaluate how beneficial or harmful it can be for our children. I can only talk about my soon to be 5 year old daughter who is studying in Kinder Garden.

Soon after the government announced closure of schools, she had to start with online schooling every alternate day. It was indeed super tough for her as just few days ago her teacher was Simram mam (for class Nursery) and now we told her that Shweta mam is her teacher. How can we explain promotion to next class to a child who is not going to school (the lockdown started in March – bad timing for kids).

It certainly took a long to accept Shweta mam as her teacher, as there is absolutely no teacher-student interaction. And no one to blame here as teachers were also forced to start online classes without any formal training. And it was now the time for summer vacation. Well, it was a relief for both of us but the learning continued. We did lots of things including learning numbers and shapes by making this animated movie.

The school reopened after summer break, now they have 50 mins classes everyday and they have to wear school uniform too. But I was happy as teachers were now comfortable using online medium. Moreover, the new time table has music, dance, art classes also. Soon, the MHRD announced that the duration of the class is to be restricted to 30 mins for pre-primary and the first thing to be removed from the new time table was the extra-curricular activities.

Now, the focus is on learning numbers, words, making verbal sentences in English. Is it realistic for a 4-5 year old child to pay attention to an online class in which all of a sudden, someone starts presenting their screen and my child is lost, where parents are arguing with the teacher, where at times, due to connectivity issue there is a lag of good 15-20 seconds. Further, neither the teachers nor most of the parents acknowledge that burden the little child has on his/her shoulders.

My daughter, at times, feels bad because of her inability to answer correctly. She only tells me that other children know the answer and she doesn’t. I, myself, have never compared her with other students but despite all the issues of an online class, she is intelligent enough to understand what the teacher is hinting her at. Almost, once every week, I tell the teacher the correct pronunciation of my daughter’s name. For me, her name is her identity and I want her to be associated with it. The school is only one formal place where her official name is used. When the teacher, after several reminders could not pronounce her name correctly, it is correct for her to expect my child to be fluent in everything? Not to forget the way she was rejected to perform for a school event and the emotional impact it had on my child and myself.

If you are going through a tough time due to Covid 19 in which you are expected to perform well professionally and at the same time you have to take care of your home, children and other family members. The situation is same with your child too, they are expected to perform well in their respective classes, they are expected to behave in certain manner at home and often they are unable to express their feeling.

Learning is not about scoring marks in school. The ability to deal with the situation is also important and this is the time for you to make your child understand this, that the purpose of this pandemic.

Take care and talk with your children.